ACT 1 SCENE 1: ROPE A DOPE

[We join our hero wandering the aisles of a nondescript tractor supply store. His clenched jaw, deeply furrowed brow, and the death grip on the debit card in his hand are all signs — here's a man who has no idea what he's doing.]

TEEN-AGED CLERK: “Wassup dude! Can I hep you find sumpthin'?”

JIM: (Spoken with the contempt that only comes with middle age): “I need some rope, son.”

CLERK: “Oh yeah, whatcha doin' with it, man?”

JIM: “It's going over a limb high in my maple tree and –”

CLERK: (interrupts with wide-eyed surprise) “DUDE! You not gonna frackin' hang somebody are you?”

JIM: “… er, well of course not. I would use a good hemp rope for that, and —”

CLERK: (again interrupting) Did you say hemp? Duuuude! Now your talkin' my language!”

JIM: No, no, not that kind of hemp .. I mean the rope kind –”

CLERK: “Oh yeah dude, a little smokin' the rope, huh? You're pretty cool for an old short fat guy, dude.”

JIM: “No no no, I need rope. Rope is what I came here for.”

CLERK: “We got lots of rope, dude. Do you need help finding it?”

JIM: “No, I know where it's at –”

CLERK: “Then my job here is done, dude!”

JIM: “Er, well yes, I guess it is. Thanks for –”

CLERK: “What are you using the rope for again, dude?”

JIM: “It's for an antenna. First I have to take a slingshot and shoot a fishing sinker over a tree limb. Then I pull up a smaller line, then the rope. That's where the rope comes in.”

CLERK: “Dude, you sure you're not smokin' some of that rope? A rope for antenna? That's the most fracked-up thing I ever heard.”

JIM: “No, it's not the antenna. The rope holds up the antenna, which is 140 feet of 14 guage stranded copper wire. I'm using 300 ohm twinlead as the feedline and tuning it with a transmatch.”

CLERK: “Dude, the last time I heard people talk like that was on that Star Trek TV show. Can you beam someone up with your rope antenna?”

JIM: “No, but I'm very familiar with the Vulcan nerve pinch. Would you like me to demonstrate?”

CLERK: “Hmmm … hey dude, weren't you here to buy some rope??”

END OF SCENE 1

ACT 1 SCENE 2 – FISHING FOR SQUIRRELS

[We join our main character at his home, annoying the beejesus out of his teen-aged daughter who would rather crawl under a rock that be seen helping her Dad put up an antenna.]

JIM: “OK Katie, here's the plan. You hold the fishing pole and before I shoot the lead weight, you hit the release button on the reel. If we're lucky we'll get this done before dark.

K: [Rolls eyes to indicate teen angst raised to the umpteenth power. She huffs her contempt.]

[With the slingshot's aging surgical rubber nearly ready to snap, our hero pulls back carefully and takes steady aim at the highest fork.]

JIM: “Ready? Here goes!”

[The weight flies true and zips over the tree. The reel catches and the 10-pound test fishing line snaps. The lead weight continues its skyward trajectory before arcing gracefully toward the roof of the neighbor's barn. The weight slams into the tin roof near the top and rattles like a can of pennies as it bounces its way off the roof. It next hits the roof of an adjoining shed with a clang. The neighbor's Angus bulls grazing near our fence are startled by the noise and in the finest Pampalona tradition begin running crazily around the field to avoid whatever it was that scared them.]

K: “Daddy, I think the line broke.”

JIM: “Thanks for that observation, honey. Now you go get the weight.”

K: “Me? I'm not the one who lost it! Besides, I'm not stepping in cow poo for a stupid fishing sinker thingie.”

JIM: “Just kidding, honey. I've got lots of lead sinkers.”

K: “Are we done yet?? Do I have to keep standing here holding a dumb fishing pole? This looks stupid.”

JIM: “Just a little while longer. We'll be done soon …

[The second and third shot miss their mark. The fourth gets a limb, but not a substantial one and the support rope falls away as its being hoisted up into the tree.]

K: “Daddy! That's the fourth time! Can't I go inside now??”

JIM: “No sweetie, I've got to get the a line over the tree before dark — ”

K: “It's already dark, Daddy. Can I go inside now??”

JIM: “One more time, that's all I need.”

K: “(inaudible teen-aged angst-filled mumbling)”

[The next shot flies true. In the near darkness, the pair spot the weight dangling 30 feet up in the tree.]

K: “We're done now, right? Can't you do this part tomorrow?”

JIM: “Not yet, we need to get that weight down and run a small braided nylon cord up and over.”

K: “(additional inaudible mumbling)”

[After careful jerking of the fishing line on the reel end, the weight drops the final yards to the ground. A nylon cord is pulled back up and over and tied off.]

JIM: “We're done for now, we'll finish this–”

K: “Finally! I'm going in.” [Storms away in a huff.]

JIM: “– tomorrow?”

END OF SCENE 2